In 7th grade, the principal was a black guy who made it a point to harass me every day because he knew my brother and assumed me a trouble maker. Labeled by default. After enough of his bullshit, I drew a swastica on my hand and goosestepped my way through the halls spouting some sort of "du arselock mutterbumsen" or some sort of shit, I don't remember my german, but I knew it back then. My family never listened when I said the school was corrupt, but my family sure as shit freaked out when i had a swastica on my hand. My dad throwing a fit like "do you worship hitler" sort of bullshit. It was laughable at best but no. Racist black man hates white people, but he's out principal, so my naive ass though, fuck him I can be racist too. Around this time, I was confronted by some kids in gym, where we frequently used the newly released axe body spray and lighters to make torches behind the teacher's back, about joining a group of people in the woods. They were recruiting for their racist family. I told them no, but honestly, I was made, idiotic, and childish, if I wasn't so reluctant to trust anyone, I would have gone. My life could have been different again, but my paranoia stopped me. I didn't want the idiot principal to die, I just wanted to piss him off. I knew that, he knew that. Now, aside from that entirely, I got sent to PASS (positive attitudes and social skills), a form of alternative education program built on brainwashing children into being socially acceptable. This occurred because I refused to do my school work. I was forced to go, but not reason to care. School meant nothing. I'd rather live under a bridge than be there. hell, I tried to kill myself several times that year. I didn't mean to live. But something happened. Always. rope broke, belt tore, woke up with ethernet cable untied from the fan. living was a curse. To this day, it still is. every day. Now, PASS wasn't a normal program. It's design philosophy was based on a 3 tier system. From the lowest tier, the teachers harassed you if you looked too far to the side. Took points away from your day, meaning you stayed longer, indefinitely if needed, if you didn't sit straight up, all day, doing your work. I became very good at sleeping sitting up due to this. I already slept with my eyes open my entire life, this was a piece of cake for me. Just sit, say nothing, do work. Once I finished, I'd have endless supplies of books to read. I read the entire sherlock holmes series this way. Exactly what I wanted. peace. The next tier, they're a little more lenient with you, they allow you some "freedoms," like choosing what you work on next, or joining group counseling. yay! Except I hated that. I didn't want to socialize. But they'd put me there. Eventually I'd talk to people enough to stop them looking at me like I'm a monster. I could see it in their eyes. Every day. Final tier, you were given more "freedoms" like playing games or drawing, along with some social interaction with others on this level, after your work was finished and at certain times. Now, on all levels you had to walk with your hands behind your back, have your shoes and pockets checked every day when you walk in, and be subject to searches at any time. I was a monster that could move in and out of the system, like it was nothing, because this attempt at brainwashing was better than social life. I am a monster, uncontrollable.
At some point around this time, my dad also started making jokes and references to masturbating in the shower. Unknown to him or probably anyone, I was using a 3.5amp, 12 volt cable when I went to bed to shock myself to masturbate. I started this when I tried to kill myself by electrocution. It turned me on instead. Hell, by 7th grade I had already hacked myself a fuckingmachines.com account. I hacked to survive by this time. Aol cds stopped, we'd been stealing dialup since I was like 8? maybe earlier. whenever we were given that old computer. My first botnet was using a batch script to launch bruter? netbrute? one of those shitting winderps apps, and seed data back to an irc server so I could check in when I got back online. I could only get online sometimes, so I had to have a way to check back on it. Somewhere on old hardrives, I have a txt file of thousands of ppp logins. because I would NOT let myself be without internet. My only salvation from this world. The only thing that mattered to me.
by 8th grade I'd already become familiar with freenet and was hosting my own market on a server I hit. Early 2000s, no one knew what darknets were. No one knew what was going on, or cared. It was lovely. People don't believe in a god, but out of the hundreds of times I tried to die, something kept saving me. I again was sent to pass in 8h grade. It was a quiet year, because in class, I did nothing. In pass, I wasn't harassed for being silent.
In highschool, I started dating a girl named christina. Her family had some weird mafia-like connections and needless to say she cheated on me. I found her cheating by carrying on relationships behind my back via email and tagged. She swore it was nothing when confronted, but seeing people sending her pics and her sending pics back, as well as the money sent to her, told me otherwise. Remember, I'm a trained monster. You cannot hide anything from me. Any lie, I will find out. You shouldn't ever lie to me.
Christina, after we broke up, took me to my doctor's appointment because on my birthday, when we broke up, I slammed my door and my dad said stop or leave. So I left. With a change of clothes and my computer. The only things I needed in life. But at this point, I'd had headache for years. Every day an echo of everything I've ever felt. Endless pain. I'd been staying at cory john's house while not at my dad's. While at the doctor, she told the doctor I was trying to kill myself. I said I had when I was younger. So he said wait here. 2 or 3 hours later, when the office should have been closed, a man from hickory trails came over for an evaluation. During which, christina held my hand, said everything was good, and its for the best. I trusted her. When the guy left the room to check how I'd score, christina got a call from her grandfather, who she respected more than anyone. She lied, in front of me, to him. I said I clearly don't know who the fuck you are anymore and went to leave. while walking out, which the doctors office was going to let me do, she screamed "YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING! HE'S GOING TO KILL HIMSELF." From then on, it was walking outside, cops stopped me, harassed me for a while, surrounded me, pointed their guns at me, told me to drop my computer. I refused. They told me they were either taking me to hickory trails, or to jail. I said you don't have to do either, you could just let me go the fuck home. He didn't understand that he had a choice, he was so wrapped up in his job, he seriously had never considered not doing it. What a fool. They eventually compromised and said put the computer, in my hands, behind my back so they could cuff me. I agreed and off we went.
In the psychward, the only person who paid me any mind was a girl named sabra. She's since been a huge part of my life, despite having to deal with my wrath, contempt for lying, and her herself being someone who lies and uses people and holds a web of manipulation dear to her heart. To put it simply, I love this girl. But remember, the only people who even see I exist are psychopaths, or other trained monsters. She got me and another person to play chess while there. I really enjoyed it. He too, was agoraphobic and avoided people at all costs. I hope he didn't suffer as I have. I don't wish this on anyone. I'd rather my enemies die than face my pain. I am a weapon.
When I went out to waco for tstc, christina showed up on my birthday. She said her fiance knew she was there and knew she was there to try to have sex with me before going out to pennsylvania or whatever. She checked in with her fiance via facebook on my computer. She then went to the bathroom. Which I looked and saw she said she was at a hotel with her grandfather. So I stepped in and messaged him. Told him what was going on. She stormed out, reportedly never went home, slept on a park bench. She caught pneumonia and swine flu. Since the two together cause problems, she died 3 days later. I killed her. I knew I was a monster. I cannot forgive myself. She died because of me. I don't deserve to live, never did.
Because of this, I failed my classes. Failed basics. Not my computer classes, they were so easy you could do them blindfolded. Windows command line class! Is it fair that I'd spent the last 10 years using batch files to hijack systems all over the world?
I went back home, she came with me. Found out we were pregnant. So I had to stop my shit and get a job. this was in 2010. At first I got a job at taco bell. Which I'm thankful for, but it wasn't what I wanted. I'd put in several applications before that, but stopped putting in applications once I started there. I sucked at it. Truly sucked at it. But they paid me enough to get my broken down car to the hospital. I am blessed for having that. 3 months in, a company I'd applied for said come in thusday. It was tuesday. They said they'd start me at 12.50/hr. I was overjoyed. That's so much money! I could pay for my child this way! I have to take it! I've been with that company ever since. I owe them, as they gave me a job doing what I wanted, working with computers, when I needed money for my child. This was the most important thing to me.
As it turns out, because this was so important to me, my child's mom began cheating on me. Lying to me. Being caught repeatedly lying. Breaking up with me after she'd cheated, then claiming it was only while we were broken up. Anything short of video evidence she was lying wasn't enough, and she would make me feel crazy for it. Even with video evidence, it wasn't enough. How dare I put our child before her! she shouldn't feel second rate to her child. These were arguments we had. She felt trapped, I understand, all I asked was she not lie to me, but any restriction was trapping her. to this day, that remains true. She is one of the only highly narcissistic psychopaths I've known. But she can pick a lock, forge a name, hell when fighting for child support (admittedly she didn't want custody, just the money) she would walk into government buildings without an id, using her social manipulation skills to walk in. She got into the oag's office after court, started a case, the oag's office was threatening me when we walked in together with taking me for everything i'm worth, until I showed them the court was already decided. They were so blown away, they had to make sure every page was accurate with the county court. After 30 minutes to confirm it wasn't fraudulent, they laughed at her for doing this. She is unstoppable, by any force short of death. Just like me. I thought we would be soul mates because of this. But she wanted to lie, I hated lies.