5.23.2020

Goodbye, a manifesto

I am nothing but a monster. 

My entire life I've felt treated like a monster. My brother used to mock me by calling me a faggot, furthering his argument by saying psychology says if he tells me it enough I'll believe it. I was called a faggot daily from at least 1st grade. Along with many other forms of degrading, mocking, claiming himself right no matter what, and saying because he's older he knows more therefor he's always right. My family showed a picture of my holding a minnow in my hand and my brother looking annoyed at me. I'm pained not because I see the picture, but because I remember pulling it out of the bucket and saying I caught a fish. So my family insisted on a picture of me with the fish. I'm pained because I remember being 3. 

School for me was exceedingly boring. By 3rd grade I found no real use in school. Now I fear my child feels the same way, and I'm unable to help him from feeling this way. In second grade people started picking on me frequently. One child in particular, jason tackett, picked on me all year. In 3rd grade he did the same, but with him mommy protecting him. She was one of our 3rd grade teachers. At recess, on several occasions, if he cursed at me or hit me I'd tell her and if she didn't tell me to stop tattling she would send me to DES (district elementary suspension) because of repeating the words he said. "he said the f word to me," "what word? just say it?" "he said fuck you", "how dare you say that, go the principal." One day, he continued what he started in second grade pushing my books out of my hand every day. Everyone laughed this time and he made a point to call me names from it. I pushed him against the pillar in the school and wailed on him. Never did see him again after that. As a 30 year old, I found out he's harassing several girls I know. I know where he lives, where his family lives, I know his life now. I didn't want to, but I have to protect those I know. I am a weapon. 

My brother, this entire time,still harassing me daily. if i wasn't amusing him by hurting myself, i was nothing.

In 4th grade, it was a daily habit everyone knew of (originally started in 3rd grade by tackett and a few others) for people to surround me throwing dirt and rocks at me. It was bad enough I walked away from the school. Threatened with going to juvie over it if the cops got me instead of the principal, I was brought back to school. My parents didn't believe people were attacking me every day. The teachers lied to their faces and covered up the daily harassment. The counselor, ms dodd, was the only one who pretended to believe me yet on a frequent habit she told me she has to send me to des regardless of if something was true or false. This became a platform abused by karie and her little stooge repeatedly to get me sent out of class. because i'm a monster. I didn't fit in. They would go behind the teacher and mouth "fuck you" but if I called them out, I got in trouble. Saying "screw you" in response, they told on me for it. In 5th grade this continued, they claimed I threatened to kill them if they didn't give me a pencil. Pleading with the counselor and the cops and the principal that it doesn't make any sense if I don't want to work why would I threaten them so i could work. They didn't believe me. Girls are favored by default, as the cop told me. Because they're girls, they can do no wrong. I am nothing but a monster. 

It was around this time my cousin was living with us. Cousin who repeatedly tried to poison me, feeding me spaghetti with the entire shaker of pepper poured onto it, because I asked for some pepper, then trying to force feed me. But my mom didn't believe he could be doing something to hurt us. We later find out, through my dad wiretapping the phoneline (it wasn't uncommon for him to spy on us to prove himself right or wrong), that my mom and my cousin were plotting to kill my dad. Thinking back on it, even at that time I walked around outside during snow storms. Avoided family at gatherings as much as possible. I hated being touched, kissed, hugged, anything. It sickened me people who could lie about eachother could still sit at the same table acting like everything is fine. Disgusting filth. The reason claimed for why my mom hadn't already killed my dad, was because me and my brother were in the way. I am only ever in the way. 

In 5th grade, I got mono. a disease that infects first time infected by ebv virus people. It's likely to kill elderly if it's first time received but unlikely to cause more than fevers for children. It hurt to talk for easily half the school year. The entire time, circles of people would throw rocks and dirt at me. Most of these people have since came to me and apologized. Such people I will not call by name. But one individual threw a rock at me one day, I was blind with rage and threw it back as quick as I could. If I would have hit him, I would have killed him and have been happy to do so. I would have licked his bleeding skull, and probably hit him a few more times with it. Instead, oh shit. I hit someone completely the opposite way. Instead of throwing forward, I threw hard to my left. It hit a girl. I was scared, but I knew what happened. I expected to go to jail. but anything would have been better than in school. I begged for death every day, by 10 years old. If it wasn't for the humility of that girl, I would have blown up that school, or torched it. to this day, I fear others will suffer the same fate at that school and it scares me enough to make me take medicine to forget the pain. When I went in, that girl, the cops, my family, the counselor, and her family, were all sitting there asking if she wanted to press charges. She said no. More important than that, she said that everyone knew that every day I had people bullying me. VALIDATION! SOMEONE! SOMEONE ADMITS THIS IS GOING ON! SOMEONE I DONT EVEN KNOW CALLS THEM OUT!!!! I owe my life to that girl, wether she knows it or not. It's because of that I've spent the rest of my life to this day trying to subdue my anger. My wrath. For I am just a monster. 

In 6th grade, one particular douche, dillion dickerson, threatened me on the bus. Now, he frequently talked about sex and tried to show his dick on the bus and several times tried to make it a point to stick his dick in peoples faces to make fun of them. If I would have thought of it, I would have brought a knife to school and cut his dick off. Anyway, he threatened me so I said okay if you want to fight i'll be at your house tonight. I walked my happy ass over there, not like I had anyone around to care what I was doing, nor would I have trusted them to tell them anyway. He brought his "marine brother" out who threatened me and when saying that's not fair he said fighting isn't fair. He wouldn't let me attack dillion so I left. Never saw him again. I hope he and his 63 iq burned in hell. If I find him dead, I will not hesitate to piss on his grave, even today. 

In 7th grade, the principal was a black guy who made it a point to harass me every day because he knew my brother and assumed me a trouble maker. Labeled by default. After enough of his bullshit, I drew a swastica on my hand and goosestepped my way through the halls spouting some sort of "du arselock mutterbumsen" or some sort of shit, I don't remember my german, but I knew it back then. My family never listened when I said the school was corrupt, but my family sure as shit freaked out when i had a swastica on my hand. My dad throwing a fit like "do you worship hitler" sort of bullshit. It was laughable at best but no. Racist black man hates white people, but he's out principal, so my naive ass though, fuck him I can be racist too. Around this time, I was confronted by some kids in gym, where we frequently used the newly released axe body spray and lighters to make torches behind the teacher's back, about joining a group of people in the woods. They were recruiting for their racist family. I told them no, but honestly, I was made, idiotic, and childish, if I wasn't so reluctant to trust anyone, I would have gone. My life could have been different again, but my paranoia stopped me. I didn't want the idiot principal to die, I just wanted to piss him off. I knew that, he knew that. Now, aside from that entirely, I got sent to PASS (positive attitudes and social skills), a form of alternative education program built on brainwashing children into being socially acceptable. This occurred because I refused to do my school work. I was forced to go, but not reason to care. School meant nothing. I'd rather live under a bridge than be there. hell, I tried to kill myself several times that year. I didn't mean to live. But something happened. Always. rope broke, belt tore, woke up with ethernet cable untied from the fan. living was a curse. To this day, it still is. every day. Now, PASS wasn't a normal program. It's design philosophy was based on a 3 tier system. From the lowest tier, the teachers harassed you if you looked too far to the side. Took points away from your day, meaning you stayed longer, indefinitely if needed, if you didn't sit straight up, all day, doing your work. I became very good at sleeping sitting up due to this. I already slept with my eyes open my entire life, this was a piece of cake for me. Just sit, say nothing, do work. Once I finished, I'd have endless supplies of books to read. I read the entire sherlock holmes series this way. Exactly what I wanted. peace. The next tier, they're a little more lenient with you, they allow you some "freedoms," like choosing what you work on next, or joining group counseling. yay! Except I hated that. I didn't want to socialize. But they'd put me there. Eventually I'd talk to people enough to stop them looking at me like I'm a monster. I could see it in their eyes. Every day. Final tier, you were given more "freedoms" like playing games or drawing, along with some social interaction with others on this level, after your work was finished and at certain times. Now, on all levels you had to walk with your hands behind your back, have your shoes and pockets checked every day when you walk in, and be subject to searches at any time. I was a monster that could move in and out of the system, like it was nothing, because this attempt at brainwashing was better than social life. I am a monster, uncontrollable. 

At some point around this time, my dad also started making jokes and references to masturbating in the shower. Unknown to him or probably anyone, I was using a 3.5amp, 12 volt cable when I went to bed to shock myself to masturbate. I started this when I tried to kill myself by electrocution. It turned me on instead. Hell, by 7th grade I had already hacked myself a fuckingmachines.com account. I hacked to survive by this time. Aol cds stopped, we'd been stealing dialup since I was like 8? maybe earlier. whenever we were given that old computer. My first botnet was using a batch script to launch bruter? netbrute? one of those shitting winderps apps, and seed data back to an irc server so I could check in when I got back online. I could only get online sometimes, so I had to have a way to check back on it. Somewhere on old hardrives, I have a txt file of thousands of ppp logins. because I would NOT let myself be without internet. My only salvation from this world. The only thing that mattered to me. 

by 8th grade I'd already become familiar with freenet and was hosting my own market on a server I hit. Early 2000s, no one knew what darknets were. No one knew what was going on, or cared. It was lovely. People don't believe in a god, but out of the hundreds of times I tried to die, something kept saving me. I again was sent to pass in 8h grade. It was a quiet year, because in class, I did nothing. In pass, I wasn't harassed for being silent. 

At some point, well before this I believe, I remember my mom taking me past the cops at the elementary. Who she always smiled as waved at. I asked her why she does that if she doesn't know him. Because to me, that made no sense to show such to people you don't even know. Her comment sticks with me to this day. She said something like "cause when you smile and wave, you could have a dead body in the back seat but their attention is drawn to your smile. They feel proud when you do, and you can get away with anything." Along with my brother's training me in psychological warfare, my dad spying on us, and my mom teaching me plants, animal care, and how to get away with any crime, it's safe to say I was trained to be a monster. Because of my dad's spying, I know new ways to look at the world. He once assumed I was masterbating in the bathroom instead of showering. I'd just turned on the shower, peed, then turned around to see a cd under the door with his face on the other side. He was using a cd to spy under the door, as a mirror. He seemed to feel justified by the idea that he thought i wasn't showering and he proved I wasn't. I said I was peeing, but he said I should have already been in the shower. As though that makes him spying any better. It's because of this, I learned to forge forensic evidence. It's such a habit, I had to stop when I finally got a job, and it took me a few years to stop. I'm a monster, born and raised. 

I care about people, I believe humanity isn't entirely bad. But the only people who see me in a crowd, are people like me. trained monsters. 

In highschool, I started dating a girl named christina. Her family had some weird mafia-like connections and needless to say she cheated on me. I found her cheating by carrying on relationships behind my back via email and tagged. She swore it was nothing when confronted, but seeing people sending her pics and her sending pics back, as well as the money sent to her, told me otherwise. Remember, I'm a trained monster. You cannot hide anything from me. Any lie, I will find out. You shouldn't ever lie to me.

Christina, after we broke up, took me to my doctor's appointment because on my birthday, when we broke up, I slammed my door and my dad said stop or leave. So I left. With a change of clothes and my computer. The only things I needed in life. But at this point, I'd had headache for years. Every day an echo of everything I've ever felt. Endless pain. I'd been staying at cory john's house while not at my dad's. While at the doctor, she told the doctor I was trying to kill myself. I said I had when I was younger. So he said wait here. 2 or 3 hours later, when the office should have been closed, a man from hickory trails came over for an evaluation. During which, christina held my hand, said everything was good, and its for the best. I trusted her. When the guy left the room to check how I'd score, christina got a call from her grandfather, who she respected more than anyone. She lied, in front of me, to him. I said I clearly don't know who the fuck you are anymore and went to leave. while walking out, which the doctors office was going to let me do, she screamed "YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING! HE'S GOING TO KILL HIMSELF." From then on, it was walking outside, cops stopped me, harassed me for a while, surrounded me, pointed their guns at me, told me to drop my computer. I refused. They told me they were either taking me to hickory trails, or to jail. I said you don't have to do either, you could just let me go the fuck home. He didn't understand that he had a choice, he was so wrapped up in his job, he seriously had never considered not doing it. What a fool. They eventually compromised and said put the computer, in my hands, behind my back so they could cuff me. I agreed and off we went. 

In the psychward, the only person who paid me any mind was a girl named sabra. She's since been a huge part of my life, despite having to deal with my wrath, contempt for lying, and her herself being someone who lies and uses people and holds a web of manipulation dear to her heart. To put it simply, I love this girl. But remember, the only people who even see I exist are psychopaths, or other trained monsters. She got me and another person to play chess while there. I really enjoyed it. He too, was agoraphobic and avoided people at all costs. I hope he didn't suffer as I have. I don't wish this on anyone. I'd rather my enemies die than face my pain. I am a weapon. 

When I went out to waco for tstc, christina showed up on my birthday. She said her fiance knew she was there and knew she was there to try to have sex with me before going out to pennsylvania or whatever. She checked in with her fiance via facebook on my computer. She then went to the bathroom. Which I looked and saw she said she was at a hotel with her grandfather. So I stepped in and messaged him. Told him what was going on. She stormed out, reportedly never went home, slept on a park bench. She caught pneumonia and swine flu. Since the two together cause problems, she died 3 days later. I killed her. I knew I was a monster. I cannot forgive myself. She died because of me. I don't deserve to live, never did. 

My child's mom, she finished highschool then got kicked out of her aunt's house and moved in with me, still at tstc at the time. Her aunt treated her like garbage anyway and considered anything she did right. Her uncle would protect her aunt from being confronted with anything. This entirely narcissistic women, classically mind you, such as down to military family and such,  called this her narcissistic. At the time I argued she's not simply narcissistic, she's more sociopathic because of her manipulative measures and her web of control over people. to this day, I have only been proven more and more true on that. But that was before I dated her. Before me and her got together, she fucked many people, scammed many people, used people as play things and I enjoyed every moment of it because she was having fun and she knew I only wanted attention of her and not to be surrounded by people. On night, after several threesomes with me, she decided we should fuck. We then decided to get together ourselves. After 3 weeks she decided to say, while riding me, she was ready for a baby. This is how our child was conceived. trap or no, best decision of my life. At the time, I was hacking wifi for ramen and coke (cola) money. Dumpster diving just to have computers to finish my classes. But with her, she decided to start taking a bunch of dxm pills (like benadryl). To this day, I have to take almost 20 to have any affect now. It was the first time I joined anyone in that sort of thing. I didn't ever robotrip, but I could sleep with it. Something I've always struggled to do. Do this day, I still struggle to do. Sleep with both eyes open, sleep for 2-4 hours, I'm nothing short of a monster.  Always have been. 

Because of this, I failed my classes. Failed basics. Not my computer classes, they were so easy you could do them blindfolded. Windows command line class! Is it fair that I'd spent the last 10 years using batch files to hijack systems all over the world? 

I went back home, she came with me. Found out we were pregnant. So I had to stop my shit and get a job. this was in 2010. At first I got a job at taco bell. Which I'm thankful for, but it wasn't what I wanted. I'd put in several applications before that, but stopped putting in applications once I started there. I sucked at it. Truly sucked at it. But they paid me enough to get my broken down car to the hospital. I am blessed for having that. 3 months in, a company I'd applied for said come in thusday. It was tuesday. They said they'd start me at 12.50/hr. I was overjoyed. That's so much money! I could pay for my child this way! I have to take it! I've been with that company ever since. I owe them, as they gave me a job doing what I wanted, working with computers, when I needed money for my child. This was the most important thing to me. 

As it turns out, because this was so important to me, my child's mom began cheating on me. Lying to me. Being caught repeatedly lying. Breaking up with me after she'd cheated, then claiming it was only while we were broken up. Anything short of video evidence she was lying wasn't enough, and she would make me feel crazy for it. Even with video evidence, it wasn't enough. How dare I put our child before her! she shouldn't feel second rate to her child. These were arguments we had. She felt trapped, I understand, all I asked was she not lie to me, but any restriction was trapping her. to this day, that remains true. She is one of the only highly narcissistic psychopaths I've known. But she can pick a lock, forge a name, hell when fighting for child support (admittedly she didn't want custody, just the money) she would walk into government buildings without an id, using her social manipulation skills to walk in. She got into the oag's office after court, started a case, the oag's office was threatening me when we walked in together with taking me for everything i'm worth, until I showed them the court was already decided. They were so blown away, they had to make sure every page was accurate with the county court. After 30 minutes to confirm it wasn't fraudulent, they laughed at her for doing this. She is unstoppable, by any force short of death. Just like me. I thought we would be soul mates because of this. But she wanted to lie, I hated lies. 

After me and my child's mom broke up, she said she was going to go party with the guy she was cheating on me with, or go meet this stranger from online. Told me to make the choice. That stranger became her second child's father. His sister krysta was the only one who would tell me when things were going on with my child. His mom refused to. We started talking and eventually dating at the suggestion of my child's mom who I guess figured we'd fuck a few times while she was married to her brother. idk. But me and krysta got together. The entire time I was with her, I tried to encourage her to do things, to be proud she's capable of things. I stuck with her through many arts, many training, and every hospital visit. But broke up with her when she was so depressed she was smashing her head into the wall. She was depressed because she wasn't doing anything, but being with me was keeping her from doing anything. We broke up, and she told me she'd never be with me again. I should have listened to that. Because over the next 9 months, she would tell me in private she wanted to be back with me, and she'd hold my hand and make out in walmart and all this sorts of thing, but then in front of others she'd say she's trying to get with someone else. She eventually said we could get back together, but a day or so later she apparently started sleeping with her boss. Her now husband and father of her child after just 6 months. she told me out right that she was going to be with him from now on. But it hurt. Me and my child were spending the weekend preparing to go out to the latest movie she wanted to see and everything for her, but that next time I saw her, nope sorry, i'm with him. but thanks for just paying for a battery for my truck you bought me (she waited until I was buying that to spring on me that she's been with someone else and not going to be with me). From that day forward, she refused to talk to me. She told me it's his turn, you had your chance. So I told her, then fucking choose, him who you're sleeping with against work relations problems, or me who you've been with for 4 years. She chose against me, so me being a jealous dick, called her hr and said yo, this dude has been promoting her and spending alone time with her for about 6 months, and they're now caring on a relationship in which she is obviously being favored over the others in the shop. It was obvious. He did her training for her. There's a bunch more to this, like the douche sending nudes of her to his buddies, but she didn't want to listen. She thought as anyone would think, i'm just jealous. I should have killed myself. Turns out, drowning hurts. Burns actually. 

Now, during the course of both being with my child's mom, and krysta, they both told me I clearly care more about approval from sabra. Sabra meant more to me than them, according to them. I didn't pay it any mind until after me and sabra stopped talking. I crave her attention more than anyone's. I don't like attention from most people, but I truly craved hers. Me and sabra stopped talking because I got upset. Rather, I felt like a pawn. She was lying to me, provably. She was lying about me, provably. She would use me as her excuses to her husband, and her boyfriends, about one another. She was using my house as a place to leave her kids while she went around between random guy to random guy. I was jealous of those guys, because she gave people she didn't know more attention than me who was trying to kill himself. I felt abandoned and alone, and I lashed out. People kept telling me, why are you substituting krysta with sabra? I never understood it until sabra was gone. She's the only person I really seek validation from. Even above the people I've dated and loved whole heartedly. As it stands today, she continues to degrade herself in many different ways, living a fake life I'm both envious of and hate with every fiber in my being. It seems i'm just a monster after all. She would never love me. She's lost in her own world of vanity and trophy relationships. How could she care? 

I have loved very few people, and every one of them I loved more than they have ever felt love for someone else. My only future is alone, which I am content with. However I will always wish I was able to be loved too. I am left taking medication to stop feeling. To stop remembering. But it doesn't work forever. I can only take so much, and it causes me to forget to take it. So i feel the pain rush back. But i'm a monster. That will never change. It's all I've ever known. A trained weapon. I don't deserve love, life, or happiness. 

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Goodbye, a manifesto

I am nothing but a monster.  My entire life I've felt treated like a monster. My brother used to mock me by calling me a faggot, further...