Technical garbage

 I really don't know how to do tech writing. I always see people post things and i'm like "I would have just written this, plain text, just the details, and left out literally anything that would make people want to pay attention. 

I also come to the problem of topics. Do I want to teach something? Do I want to explain views or methods or techniques? What do I really want? the answer is often I really want nothing. Want to want, at best. 

So today, I'm going to simply rant on something you won't pay attention to anyway. 

I've recently found, as best I can describe it compared to the way others may present it, using nmap is often much faster to do sectionally. So, for my example i'll say i'm and i'm scanning If I start off with a service scan, syn scan, and a udp scan, with every port, I can expect this might be done by lunchtime tomorrow. Even on the same network. Even with -T5 timing settings, which only seems to impact the timing scan anyway if I'm thinking right. Likewise, if I use nmap with the fast port scanning flag, no ping, no name resolution, and only syn scanning, I may get information but it's rarely enough to find anything useful. So to solve this for myself, particularly when doing timed things such as tests or labs or even things like htb if not timed, what I've been doing is separating these out by whats likely to give me results to act on quicker. So if I start with something like nmap -sS -sF, then those results print in seconds, I take those and start one nmap scan to do a service scan on those, and another nmap scan to start a syn scan on all other tcp ports. When the service scan of the found ones completes, I can either start a udp scan on all ports (which will always take forever) or apply what's found so far to finding likely open udp ports. In either case, this is going while the global service scan of the tcp ports completes. If nothing presents any clues, doing -sA or -sX scans seem to be the next likely. It seems pretty rare these days to not find a tcp port using syn scan, but it does happen, and often malware authors may use this to hide a backdoor's responses behind a real service (real service binds port, malware service sniffs and response to alternative sequences). I say often, but I really mean, I do this sometimes when bored, and a couple other groups have done this before. 

Occasionally I use msf for scanning, but honestly I really prefer using the db_nmap for this because I can do the above, and have msf's database to manage it for me. Really that's one of the biggest benefits to msf is the host management. Other people think it's the ease of use, buuuuuut I disagree. 

 Now, I still like to use nmap with the verbosity on, or otherwise catch it on wireshark. I know this is a faaaaairly dated practice that's usually only used for bad tutorials of how tcp handshakes work, but some people record their screen, i record my traffic. Rarely to be saved after the fact of course, but fun for what it is.

I guess I also see hacking a bit differently in general though. Means to an ends, way to make money, etc... just isn't enough for me. I learned to hack because I had to learn in order to get things that everyone else seemed to have. Learned to get online to be able to have what the kids at school have. No money, parents wouldn't pay for it. Scamming aol cd subscriptions wasn't necessarily even the start of it, nor was netzero stopping their free service being the end of it. I'm a truthful person and tend to not enjoy deceiving, yet a pseudo anonymous communication medium allows me to personify how I wish. Socialize how I wish. Yet I still choose to be a loser. imagine that. But this turns problematic. Cops ever ask you if you did something and you say it wasn't you, that's grounds to arrest everyone you know. Always remember that. As well, remember if a cop doesn't like you, they can throw you in a psychward without charge until they deem you fit for society. No real paperwork involved. You just go. The old cliche cops used to share was "shoot first, ask questions later" with a reasoning of "its your word versus a dead man's." Yet people are now in 2020 surprised that cops do this. It's been trained into them for 70+ years. A little behind the times I guess. But then, people don't see society as evil, cops as evil, the system at large as evil the way I do, and those who do don't play footsie with the people with a knife to your kneck. Most of my friends, and one of my teachers in school, have seen me wake up and try to kill whoever was nearest me. This is how I was raised, this is how my life remains. I don't like violence. I've spent much of my life trying to overcome anger and violent intent, with all I've found is that it's implausible to completely overcome for someone like me. I've studied, I've tried to help others, yet I cannot go to school for these things. I can't become a doctor. I'm stupid. I can't pass the basics, but I can retain information about each deviance between versions of the dsm, including sub-revisions. I've been asked if i'm autistic in a professional setting, but psychologists seem to lean more towards anxiety and personality disorders. 

I can't seem to find it in myself to upload any of the scripts I write to github. They seem like they wouldn't help anyone. besides, they're all just one time scripts that solve a problem, run for a while, then i'll move on from it. Never really managing version controls because again, what difference does it make. 

I found some issues in a python thing recently, which they converted from python2 to 3 but left some parts that are not dynamic and are extremely limited breaking the software in several ways. I fixed it on my computer, as a one-time fix. But I don't have it in me to fork it, upload, and request merge. It just doesn't seem reasonable for me to do. It's their thing, not mine. I have no rights to this public piece of software that they are literally asking for people to donate time to help with. 

I own a home now. I am a single father, primary custody (conservatorship), in which the mom is currently not in the state and doesn't often bother to call until something reminds her about her children. I have nice car, one I paid for at a real dealership not one I bought from tweeker that we had to (do something) to be able to get it properly put into my name.

I feel I've exceeded expectations of life by surviving. But since even surviving was against my will, i don't know that it's a success. Perhaps horrible failure that others would seem as right. I spend most my time trying to remember if i took my meds that help me stop feeling like I remember every moment of all my life all the time. Some think memory is a gift, I think it's a curse. Someone I once talked to mentioned their amnesia problems and I'm like, shit i'll trade ya. They said they wish people didn't feel that way, but i'm also like I wish I didn't either. There will never be some magic drug to help me. I cannot get past it, but I can't get over it, but I can't medicate through it.

So I sit there, breaking shit. Studying shit. Unable to provide any benefit to the community either. 

I am meaningless.

For someone who likes writing python, x86 asm, archery, espionage, cryptography, hell I make allusions even found in the references between word choices because it became a hobby of mine to hide my real intended words from people. I've been doing it so long I can't stop won't stop. But no one gets my references. Not even the obvious ones. I don't know if my ego is so broken because I mean nothing to myself, or if it's because I mean something to no one.

I write malware in my spare time. Often shitty code that's just single intention and only used as a secondary infection. I usually wrap this with a modified version of some popular malware that's just deviant enough to evade detections for a few weeks. Which really only takes knowing simple indicators people will find, changing those unique spots, or even where they are in the file. Think like a yara rule, rule says "pandorarat" is in the original name section, change it to 12345678912 or some such garbage. Oh it has the ip in this location and the shitty .net generator for it sets it up in the same spot every time. Weeell, now my python generator for it will write it somewhere else and the instruction will be updated as needed. That's it. That's evading detection. Everyone wants to use these sophisticated crypters and such, but unless it's llvm style, it's not really necessary. Now, for the llvm and other virtualized sort of petridish programing with a sub language, I'd still do the above to the original before crypting. I don't really sell what I write. I don't believe in that. But I do have people who help me have money when needed if I leave these accessible for them. If I lose my job, which i'm sure I will eventually, I guess that counts as a fall back? idk. not enough. would have to get up and hustle and make mad monies the other way around. 

Companies often talk about not letting people have their software as a trial because the trial could be abused and license cracked. But it's those same companies that make software to check in with a certificate and from the same port on the same system using a network socket simply reply, unencrypted, okay.

Malwarebytes keygens can be made using angr, but i still went ahead and paid for it for my kid's computer. Because I'm nice I guess. Really cause I don't really want my child looking at me like a criminal the way we always knew our parents were. Don't want him to know his mom doesn't care, don't want him to think i'm evil, don't want him to know his mom tried to kill me like I knew my mom to my dad. So I paid for something. My child is privileged because I tried to stop him from knowing these things that hurt his beliefs in his parents. When he was younger I would get the only sleep I could for the night after work, when his mom would have me watch him without her help, standing up or sitting down, crying or not crying, I had to make sure he was okay, and I had to make sure I got at least 2 hours of sleep. That persisted for 6 years as my predominate sleeping. But I've never had a real sleep schedule, and remember, I've always woken up when alerted to something by trying to kill people. I had to live in fear in that sleep that I'd react to something. controlling your reactions, while unconscious, isn't something I expect normal people to be able to explain. But I had to learn it, I have to take care of my kid. I did, and continue to do so. But to me, if it was only me, I'd live under a bridge and get free food from dumpsters. Maybe even be super cool and go every day and collect the change spilled out of cars between the drive through of multiple businesses. 

People my whole life told me "you don't wanna be..." but honestly, I don't wanna not be like them. Trash dudes get paid plenty and occasionally get to keep cool shit people threw away. Which is how I first started testing frequencies with a satellite. People throw out one, means I get something. All dishes are is a fancy antenna intended to increase distance without increasing power requirements. But now days everything is encrypted as far as tv goes. bullocks. Luckily, the encryption mechanism is pretty easy to simulate with a computer <3. 

If this post seems incoherent or a wild mesh of random shit, this is how i think. always. 

ppp brute forcing is easier than you think, you don't need a phone line more often than not these days, just find the vpbx.

When passively sniffing the network, I found the local police drive by my house twice a day, every day, at specific times, which I can recognize because his phone sends out a probe for a specific essid. every day. It's labeled with the police district's common abbreviation. 

it's midnight. i'm unsure if I want to try to kill myself, or drink, or sleep, or do another htb challenge and fail to get root because stupid gawd damned service keeps killing my session before I can migrate it. >:(

have a good night everyone.


 I find myself not sad or usually even bothered by human death. Best I can do to mourn is take a shot in their honor. No more, no less. But when a baby pupper dies, it breaks my damned heart. I try to save animals, and almost always I do so when there is very little to no hope. They always die. I try to save humans too, but from their own actions which they will hate me for. I pity people really. It's like, your life was always controlled by those around you. But for babies, and in this case animal babies, they had a full life unfiltered to explore. I get that's equally as naive, but that's how i feel about it. 

What's sadder, is when you had to bury two puppers from the same litter, both dug until rock and then broken and placed under. This is not enough however, to keep momma doggo from digging up the carcass. Then, thinking it was a mouse, chewing it, dragging it around the yard, and playing catch with the carcass by herself. All while bugs had a field day cleaning the bones. 

I can watch a man be slaughtered before my eyes, but not a dead puppy eaten by his mom. 

Am I a monster? 

This is charlie. The pup who lived only long enough to struggle his whole life.


Goodbye, a manifesto

I am nothing but a monster. 

My entire life I've felt treated like a monster. My brother used to mock me by calling me a faggot, furthering his argument by saying psychology says if he tells me it enough I'll believe it. I was called a faggot daily from at least 1st grade. Along with many other forms of degrading, mocking, claiming himself right no matter what, and saying because he's older he knows more therefor he's always right. My family showed a picture of my holding a minnow in my hand and my brother looking annoyed at me. I'm pained not because I see the picture, but because I remember pulling it out of the bucket and saying I caught a fish. So my family insisted on a picture of me with the fish. I'm pained because I remember being 3. 

School for me was exceedingly boring. By 3rd grade I found no real use in school. Now I fear my child feels the same way, and I'm unable to help him from feeling this way. In second grade people started picking on me frequently. One child in particular, jason tackett, picked on me all year. In 3rd grade he did the same, but with him mommy protecting him. She was one of our 3rd grade teachers. At recess, on several occasions, if he cursed at me or hit me I'd tell her and if she didn't tell me to stop tattling she would send me to DES (district elementary suspension) because of repeating the words he said. "he said the f word to me," "what word? just say it?" "he said fuck you", "how dare you say that, go the principal." One day, he continued what he started in second grade pushing my books out of my hand every day. Everyone laughed this time and he made a point to call me names from it. I pushed him against the pillar in the school and wailed on him. Never did see him again after that. As a 30 year old, I found out he's harassing several girls I know. I know where he lives, where his family lives, I know his life now. I didn't want to, but I have to protect those I know. I am a weapon. 

My brother, this entire time,still harassing me daily. if i wasn't amusing him by hurting myself, i was nothing.

In 4th grade, it was a daily habit everyone knew of (originally started in 3rd grade by tackett and a few others) for people to surround me throwing dirt and rocks at me. It was bad enough I walked away from the school. Threatened with going to juvie over it if the cops got me instead of the principal, I was brought back to school. My parents didn't believe people were attacking me every day. The teachers lied to their faces and covered up the daily harassment. The counselor, ms dodd, was the only one who pretended to believe me yet on a frequent habit she told me she has to send me to des regardless of if something was true or false. This became a platform abused by karie and her little stooge repeatedly to get me sent out of class. because i'm a monster. I didn't fit in. They would go behind the teacher and mouth "fuck you" but if I called them out, I got in trouble. Saying "screw you" in response, they told on me for it. In 5th grade this continued, they claimed I threatened to kill them if they didn't give me a pencil. Pleading with the counselor and the cops and the principal that it doesn't make any sense if I don't want to work why would I threaten them so i could work. They didn't believe me. Girls are favored by default, as the cop told me. Because they're girls, they can do no wrong. I am nothing but a monster. 

It was around this time my cousin was living with us. Cousin who repeatedly tried to poison me, feeding me spaghetti with the entire shaker of pepper poured onto it, because I asked for some pepper, then trying to force feed me. But my mom didn't believe he could be doing something to hurt us. We later find out, through my dad wiretapping the phoneline (it wasn't uncommon for him to spy on us to prove himself right or wrong), that my mom and my cousin were plotting to kill my dad. Thinking back on it, even at that time I walked around outside during snow storms. Avoided family at gatherings as much as possible. I hated being touched, kissed, hugged, anything. It sickened me people who could lie about eachother could still sit at the same table acting like everything is fine. Disgusting filth. The reason claimed for why my mom hadn't already killed my dad, was because me and my brother were in the way. I am only ever in the way. 

In 5th grade, I got mono. a disease that infects first time infected by ebv virus people. It's likely to kill elderly if it's first time received but unlikely to cause more than fevers for children. It hurt to talk for easily half the school year. The entire time, circles of people would throw rocks and dirt at me. Most of these people have since came to me and apologized. Such people I will not call by name. But one individual threw a rock at me one day, I was blind with rage and threw it back as quick as I could. If I would have hit him, I would have killed him and have been happy to do so. I would have licked his bleeding skull, and probably hit him a few more times with it. Instead, oh shit. I hit someone completely the opposite way. Instead of throwing forward, I threw hard to my left. It hit a girl. I was scared, but I knew what happened. I expected to go to jail. but anything would have been better than in school. I begged for death every day, by 10 years old. If it wasn't for the humility of that girl, I would have blown up that school, or torched it. to this day, I fear others will suffer the same fate at that school and it scares me enough to make me take medicine to forget the pain. When I went in, that girl, the cops, my family, the counselor, and her family, were all sitting there asking if she wanted to press charges. She said no. More important than that, she said that everyone knew that every day I had people bullying me. VALIDATION! SOMEONE! SOMEONE ADMITS THIS IS GOING ON! SOMEONE I DONT EVEN KNOW CALLS THEM OUT!!!! I owe my life to that girl, wether she knows it or not. It's because of that I've spent the rest of my life to this day trying to subdue my anger. My wrath. For I am just a monster. 

In 6th grade, one particular douche, dillion dickerson, threatened me on the bus. Now, he frequently talked about sex and tried to show his dick on the bus and several times tried to make it a point to stick his dick in peoples faces to make fun of them. If I would have thought of it, I would have brought a knife to school and cut his dick off. Anyway, he threatened me so I said okay if you want to fight i'll be at your house tonight. I walked my happy ass over there, not like I had anyone around to care what I was doing, nor would I have trusted them to tell them anyway. He brought his "marine brother" out who threatened me and when saying that's not fair he said fighting isn't fair. He wouldn't let me attack dillion so I left. Never saw him again. I hope he and his 63 iq burned in hell. If I find him dead, I will not hesitate to piss on his grave, even today. 

In 7th grade, the principal was a black guy who made it a point to harass me every day because he knew my brother and assumed me a trouble maker. Labeled by default. After enough of his bullshit, I drew a swastica on my hand and goosestepped my way through the halls spouting some sort of "du arselock mutterbumsen" or some sort of shit, I don't remember my german, but I knew it back then. My family never listened when I said the school was corrupt, but my family sure as shit freaked out when i had a swastica on my hand. My dad throwing a fit like "do you worship hitler" sort of bullshit. It was laughable at best but no. Racist black man hates white people, but he's out principal, so my naive ass though, fuck him I can be racist too. Around this time, I was confronted by some kids in gym, where we frequently used the newly released axe body spray and lighters to make torches behind the teacher's back, about joining a group of people in the woods. They were recruiting for their racist family. I told them no, but honestly, I was made, idiotic, and childish, if I wasn't so reluctant to trust anyone, I would have gone. My life could have been different again, but my paranoia stopped me. I didn't want the idiot principal to die, I just wanted to piss him off. I knew that, he knew that. Now, aside from that entirely, I got sent to PASS (positive attitudes and social skills), a form of alternative education program built on brainwashing children into being socially acceptable. This occurred because I refused to do my school work. I was forced to go, but not reason to care. School meant nothing. I'd rather live under a bridge than be there. hell, I tried to kill myself several times that year. I didn't mean to live. But something happened. Always. rope broke, belt tore, woke up with ethernet cable untied from the fan. living was a curse. To this day, it still is. every day. Now, PASS wasn't a normal program. It's design philosophy was based on a 3 tier system. From the lowest tier, the teachers harassed you if you looked too far to the side. Took points away from your day, meaning you stayed longer, indefinitely if needed, if you didn't sit straight up, all day, doing your work. I became very good at sleeping sitting up due to this. I already slept with my eyes open my entire life, this was a piece of cake for me. Just sit, say nothing, do work. Once I finished, I'd have endless supplies of books to read. I read the entire sherlock holmes series this way. Exactly what I wanted. peace. The next tier, they're a little more lenient with you, they allow you some "freedoms," like choosing what you work on next, or joining group counseling. yay! Except I hated that. I didn't want to socialize. But they'd put me there. Eventually I'd talk to people enough to stop them looking at me like I'm a monster. I could see it in their eyes. Every day. Final tier, you were given more "freedoms" like playing games or drawing, along with some social interaction with others on this level, after your work was finished and at certain times. Now, on all levels you had to walk with your hands behind your back, have your shoes and pockets checked every day when you walk in, and be subject to searches at any time. I was a monster that could move in and out of the system, like it was nothing, because this attempt at brainwashing was better than social life. I am a monster, uncontrollable. 

At some point around this time, my dad also started making jokes and references to masturbating in the shower. Unknown to him or probably anyone, I was using a 3.5amp, 12 volt cable when I went to bed to shock myself to masturbate. I started this when I tried to kill myself by electrocution. It turned me on instead. Hell, by 7th grade I had already hacked myself a fuckingmachines.com account. I hacked to survive by this time. Aol cds stopped, we'd been stealing dialup since I was like 8? maybe earlier. whenever we were given that old computer. My first botnet was using a batch script to launch bruter? netbrute? one of those shitting winderps apps, and seed data back to an irc server so I could check in when I got back online. I could only get online sometimes, so I had to have a way to check back on it. Somewhere on old hardrives, I have a txt file of thousands of ppp logins. because I would NOT let myself be without internet. My only salvation from this world. The only thing that mattered to me. 

by 8th grade I'd already become familiar with freenet and was hosting my own market on a server I hit. Early 2000s, no one knew what darknets were. No one knew what was going on, or cared. It was lovely. People don't believe in a god, but out of the hundreds of times I tried to die, something kept saving me. I again was sent to pass in 8h grade. It was a quiet year, because in class, I did nothing. In pass, I wasn't harassed for being silent. 

At some point, well before this I believe, I remember my mom taking me past the cops at the elementary. Who she always smiled as waved at. I asked her why she does that if she doesn't know him. Because to me, that made no sense to show such to people you don't even know. Her comment sticks with me to this day. She said something like "cause when you smile and wave, you could have a dead body in the back seat but their attention is drawn to your smile. They feel proud when you do, and you can get away with anything." Along with my brother's training me in psychological warfare, my dad spying on us, and my mom teaching me plants, animal care, and how to get away with any crime, it's safe to say I was trained to be a monster. Because of my dad's spying, I know new ways to look at the world. He once assumed I was masterbating in the bathroom instead of showering. I'd just turned on the shower, peed, then turned around to see a cd under the door with his face on the other side. He was using a cd to spy under the door, as a mirror. He seemed to feel justified by the idea that he thought i wasn't showering and he proved I wasn't. I said I was peeing, but he said I should have already been in the shower. As though that makes him spying any better. It's because of this, I learned to forge forensic evidence. It's such a habit, I had to stop when I finally got a job, and it took me a few years to stop. I'm a monster, born and raised. 

I care about people, I believe humanity isn't entirely bad. But the only people who see me in a crowd, are people like me. trained monsters. 

In highschool, I started dating a girl named christina. Her family had some weird mafia-like connections and needless to say she cheated on me. I found her cheating by carrying on relationships behind my back via email and tagged. She swore it was nothing when confronted, but seeing people sending her pics and her sending pics back, as well as the money sent to her, told me otherwise. Remember, I'm a trained monster. You cannot hide anything from me. Any lie, I will find out. You shouldn't ever lie to me.

Christina, after we broke up, took me to my doctor's appointment because on my birthday, when we broke up, I slammed my door and my dad said stop or leave. So I left. With a change of clothes and my computer. The only things I needed in life. But at this point, I'd had headache for years. Every day an echo of everything I've ever felt. Endless pain. I'd been staying at cory john's house while not at my dad's. While at the doctor, she told the doctor I was trying to kill myself. I said I had when I was younger. So he said wait here. 2 or 3 hours later, when the office should have been closed, a man from hickory trails came over for an evaluation. During which, christina held my hand, said everything was good, and its for the best. I trusted her. When the guy left the room to check how I'd score, christina got a call from her grandfather, who she respected more than anyone. She lied, in front of me, to him. I said I clearly don't know who the fuck you are anymore and went to leave. while walking out, which the doctors office was going to let me do, she screamed "YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING! HE'S GOING TO KILL HIMSELF." From then on, it was walking outside, cops stopped me, harassed me for a while, surrounded me, pointed their guns at me, told me to drop my computer. I refused. They told me they were either taking me to hickory trails, or to jail. I said you don't have to do either, you could just let me go the fuck home. He didn't understand that he had a choice, he was so wrapped up in his job, he seriously had never considered not doing it. What a fool. They eventually compromised and said put the computer, in my hands, behind my back so they could cuff me. I agreed and off we went. 

In the psychward, the only person who paid me any mind was a girl named sabra. She's since been a huge part of my life, despite having to deal with my wrath, contempt for lying, and her herself being someone who lies and uses people and holds a web of manipulation dear to her heart. To put it simply, I love this girl. But remember, the only people who even see I exist are psychopaths, or other trained monsters. She got me and another person to play chess while there. I really enjoyed it. He too, was agoraphobic and avoided people at all costs. I hope he didn't suffer as I have. I don't wish this on anyone. I'd rather my enemies die than face my pain. I am a weapon. 

When I went out to waco for tstc, christina showed up on my birthday. She said her fiance knew she was there and knew she was there to try to have sex with me before going out to pennsylvania or whatever. She checked in with her fiance via facebook on my computer. She then went to the bathroom. Which I looked and saw she said she was at a hotel with her grandfather. So I stepped in and messaged him. Told him what was going on. She stormed out, reportedly never went home, slept on a park bench. She caught pneumonia and swine flu. Since the two together cause problems, she died 3 days later. I killed her. I knew I was a monster. I cannot forgive myself. She died because of me. I don't deserve to live, never did. 

My child's mom, she finished highschool then got kicked out of her aunt's house and moved in with me, still at tstc at the time. Her aunt treated her like garbage anyway and considered anything she did right. Her uncle would protect her aunt from being confronted with anything. This entirely narcissistic women, classically mind you, such as down to military family and such,  called this her narcissistic. At the time I argued she's not simply narcissistic, she's more sociopathic because of her manipulative measures and her web of control over people. to this day, I have only been proven more and more true on that. But that was before I dated her. Before me and her got together, she fucked many people, scammed many people, used people as play things and I enjoyed every moment of it because she was having fun and she knew I only wanted attention of her and not to be surrounded by people. On night, after several threesomes with me, she decided we should fuck. We then decided to get together ourselves. After 3 weeks she decided to say, while riding me, she was ready for a baby. This is how our child was conceived. trap or no, best decision of my life. At the time, I was hacking wifi for ramen and coke (cola) money. Dumpster diving just to have computers to finish my classes. But with her, she decided to start taking a bunch of dxm pills (like benadryl). To this day, I have to take almost 20 to have any affect now. It was the first time I joined anyone in that sort of thing. I didn't ever robotrip, but I could sleep with it. Something I've always struggled to do. Do this day, I still struggle to do. Sleep with both eyes open, sleep for 2-4 hours, I'm nothing short of a monster.  Always have been. 

Because of this, I failed my classes. Failed basics. Not my computer classes, they were so easy you could do them blindfolded. Windows command line class! Is it fair that I'd spent the last 10 years using batch files to hijack systems all over the world? 

I went back home, she came with me. Found out we were pregnant. So I had to stop my shit and get a job. this was in 2010. At first I got a job at taco bell. Which I'm thankful for, but it wasn't what I wanted. I'd put in several applications before that, but stopped putting in applications once I started there. I sucked at it. Truly sucked at it. But they paid me enough to get my broken down car to the hospital. I am blessed for having that. 3 months in, a company I'd applied for said come in thusday. It was tuesday. They said they'd start me at 12.50/hr. I was overjoyed. That's so much money! I could pay for my child this way! I have to take it! I've been with that company ever since. I owe them, as they gave me a job doing what I wanted, working with computers, when I needed money for my child. This was the most important thing to me. 

As it turns out, because this was so important to me, my child's mom began cheating on me. Lying to me. Being caught repeatedly lying. Breaking up with me after she'd cheated, then claiming it was only while we were broken up. Anything short of video evidence she was lying wasn't enough, and she would make me feel crazy for it. Even with video evidence, it wasn't enough. How dare I put our child before her! she shouldn't feel second rate to her child. These were arguments we had. She felt trapped, I understand, all I asked was she not lie to me, but any restriction was trapping her. to this day, that remains true. She is one of the only highly narcissistic psychopaths I've known. But she can pick a lock, forge a name, hell when fighting for child support (admittedly she didn't want custody, just the money) she would walk into government buildings without an id, using her social manipulation skills to walk in. She got into the oag's office after court, started a case, the oag's office was threatening me when we walked in together with taking me for everything i'm worth, until I showed them the court was already decided. They were so blown away, they had to make sure every page was accurate with the county court. After 30 minutes to confirm it wasn't fraudulent, they laughed at her for doing this. She is unstoppable, by any force short of death. Just like me. I thought we would be soul mates because of this. But she wanted to lie, I hated lies. 

After me and my child's mom broke up, she said she was going to go party with the guy she was cheating on me with, or go meet this stranger from online. Told me to make the choice. That stranger became her second child's father. His sister krysta was the only one who would tell me when things were going on with my child. His mom refused to. We started talking and eventually dating at the suggestion of my child's mom who I guess figured we'd fuck a few times while she was married to her brother. idk. But me and krysta got together. The entire time I was with her, I tried to encourage her to do things, to be proud she's capable of things. I stuck with her through many arts, many training, and every hospital visit. But broke up with her when she was so depressed she was smashing her head into the wall. She was depressed because she wasn't doing anything, but being with me was keeping her from doing anything. We broke up, and she told me she'd never be with me again. I should have listened to that. Because over the next 9 months, she would tell me in private she wanted to be back with me, and she'd hold my hand and make out in walmart and all this sorts of thing, but then in front of others she'd say she's trying to get with someone else. She eventually said we could get back together, but a day or so later she apparently started sleeping with her boss. Her now husband and father of her child after just 6 months. she told me out right that she was going to be with him from now on. But it hurt. Me and my child were spending the weekend preparing to go out to the latest movie she wanted to see and everything for her, but that next time I saw her, nope sorry, i'm with him. but thanks for just paying for a battery for my truck you bought me (she waited until I was buying that to spring on me that she's been with someone else and not going to be with me). From that day forward, she refused to talk to me. She told me it's his turn, you had your chance. So I told her, then fucking choose, him who you're sleeping with against work relations problems, or me who you've been with for 4 years. She chose against me, so me being a jealous dick, called her hr and said yo, this dude has been promoting her and spending alone time with her for about 6 months, and they're now caring on a relationship in which she is obviously being favored over the others in the shop. It was obvious. He did her training for her. There's a bunch more to this, like the douche sending nudes of her to his buddies, but she didn't want to listen. She thought as anyone would think, i'm just jealous. I should have killed myself. Turns out, drowning hurts. Burns actually. 

Now, during the course of both being with my child's mom, and krysta, they both told me I clearly care more about approval from sabra. Sabra meant more to me than them, according to them. I didn't pay it any mind until after me and sabra stopped talking. I crave her attention more than anyone's. I don't like attention from most people, but I truly craved hers. Me and sabra stopped talking because I got upset. Rather, I felt like a pawn. She was lying to me, provably. She was lying about me, provably. She would use me as her excuses to her husband, and her boyfriends, about one another. She was using my house as a place to leave her kids while she went around between random guy to random guy. I was jealous of those guys, because she gave people she didn't know more attention than me who was trying to kill himself. I felt abandoned and alone, and I lashed out. People kept telling me, why are you substituting krysta with sabra? I never understood it until sabra was gone. She's the only person I really seek validation from. Even above the people I've dated and loved whole heartedly. As it stands today, she continues to degrade herself in many different ways, living a fake life I'm both envious of and hate with every fiber in my being. It seems i'm just a monster after all. She would never love me. She's lost in her own world of vanity and trophy relationships. How could she care? 

I have loved very few people, and every one of them I loved more than they have ever felt love for someone else. My only future is alone, which I am content with. However I will always wish I was able to be loved too. I am left taking medication to stop feeling. To stop remembering. But it doesn't work forever. I can only take so much, and it causes me to forget to take it. So i feel the pain rush back. But i'm a monster. That will never change. It's all I've ever known. A trained weapon. I don't deserve love, life, or happiness. 


Jan 3rd

to my dearest friend

My dearest friend is not soneone to be taken lightly. She treats animals above humans and she gives 10000% when only 5% is needed. She keeps her closest friends at a distance, cant let anyone in. Shes got many friends to accommodate the distance in her friendships, but her closest friends are kept around 20% of being in her life and her regular friends are kept around 2%. That level of distance is strangers to other people, but to her its life. She's a one women mafia, and if she wanted a task to be done there isnt a government or entitiy in the world that will stand in her way.

My dearest friend is someone i will never stop caring for, even when she's long past stopped caring for herself. She doesn't care about herself as much as those around her do, but she feels she only has herself. 

My dearest friend is someone who deserves a better life, but cant escape herself to find it. Without regret, without remorse, she doesnt want to escape. Which is the saddest part of all.

New wordpress site. yes, seriously

 So, I made myself a little wordpress site over (http://hello.0daz.io/see-also/). It's running on docker, with goreplay setup to propaga...